I think among my New Year’s resolutions will to be blogging more regularly?
I have been seeing mental health specialists to deal with ongoing mental health issues—and as it turns out, I’m dealing with not just psychological problems, but also neurological and neurodevelopmental issues that years of therapy and medication management will never permanently heal. I have been formerly diagnosed with GAD, (c)PTSD, level one autism (aka Asperger’s), ADHD, OCD, gender dysphoria, major depression. So many things seemed disconnected, and cognitive behavioral therapy hasn’t been working, as my symptoms have coming back.
Most importantly is my inability to control my emotions. Previously, I had shutdowns and meltdowns that ended in burnout due to low estrogen, uncontrolled ADHD. This time was due to stimulants overwhelming me and greatly amplifying my autistic traits; my estrogen levels were also too high—like 3-5x higher than for someone my age at their highest point of their monthly cycle. I was unable to escape the famous “fight-or-flight” mode, because of too much dopamine and adrenaline were in my system; the stimulant I was taking, generic Vyvanse, has a long half-life so I was never able to fully calm down.
I am on leave from work to allow for the estrogen to die down, for my new prescription (bupropion, an antidepressant often used to help treat ADHD) to build up in my system, to build up progesterone (I don’t need…I’ll explain my past as a trans man one of these days) as it helps stabilizes mood, as well as extras like magnesium and ashwagandha to help calm me down.
I really don’t like calling myself “neurodivergent”, because I see the movement trying to celebrate “quirkiness” while hiding the stories of those with more profound symptoms; and my disdain for allowing self-diagnosed individuals into the community.. I see both sides of person- and identity-first language when referring to anyone who has ASD.
Unlike Kyle Hill and Nick Lucid from the Science Asylum, I don’t see having either autism or ADHD as “superpowers”. Constant overstimulation of the senses when I was on stimulants. The inability to speak when overstressed Speaking in a more direct manner compared to others, while dealing with an inability to understand others without playing 20 questions. An inability to still register tone or body language, not being able to know when others are serious or joking. My problems with dealing with people in positions of authority. Constant concentration and distraction issues; trying to get people to understand how necessary it is for me to maintain a consistent schedule to help me work and concentrate. The constant need to “stim” (which actually increased since my ADHD diagnosis to help me concentrate, and now to help with overstimulation) annoys lots of people.
I have made some adaptations: my AirPods are officially classified as hearing protection. (I don’t want to draw attraction my self with over-ear headphones, and my AirPods don’t give me the pressure build-up regular earbuds do.) Work-approved sun-visors to wear over my glasses when working out in the sun, or if bright lights anywhere begin to overwhelm me. When people snap their fingers or tell me to “get to the point” because my stuttering is real bad, I snap back that they’re not b help; otherwise I walk off, keeping my dignity in check. I keep small stuffed animals around to play with to help ease my anxiety or to help concentrate; I couldn’t care less about the stares from others. If I am overwhelmed, I take advantage of my company’s “take 5” benefit and take a few minutes to remove myself and recuperate. I usually come in real early to work, but if I am having a hard time getting up, it gives me flexibility to come in “later” while still being on time.
I am not sure what this means going forward. I have no desire to climb the corporate ladder or rejoin the rat race; not because I can’t see myself, I just don’t care for the stress that comes with job advancement. I plan to renew my lease because I like the apartment I moved into. No desire to date—I’ve been on estradiol long enough that my libido is back to my pre-trans, asexual levels (which I desperately wanted for years!). Once I get the official paperwork diagnosing my autism, make arrangements with work to explain about my “behavior problems” and see how to address them. Maybe transition to a stimulant medication that will better help with my ADHD symptoms. Who knows. It’s still just New Year’s Day. 😎
Charleigh Copley 